When we enter into intimate relationships with someone else, we expect that we will be able to express ourselves openly in all areas, including sex, however, that isn’t always the case for men. We have come to believe that when a man is considered heterosexual and has entered an intimate relationship with a woman, there are just some things he “should” not be into. There are certain ways he is to carry himself, there are certain things he is to do in order to be considered a “real” man.
A heterosexual man is “supposed” to be sexual, he is “supposed” to love trying new things, EXCEPT anything related to anal play. It’s a taboo topic, and because of society’s thoughts on “what makes a man a man”, many men do not feel they will be able to fully express themselves sexually. Most of what we are taught is that if a man wants any type of anal play, he is not a heterosexual man. It’s interesting that we do not put this type of pressure on women, in fact, in a lot of cases, what a woman desires to do sexually can actually make her MORE desirable to heterosexual men. Even if she were to engage in sexual activities with another woman, that’s considered sexy and as long as she proclaims to be heterosexual, her actions are viewed as “normal”. At the very least, she is considered “bi-curious”.
It’s extremely toxic to men that society has created a “one size fits all” definition for what a man should be. Heterosexual men are told they shouldn’t cry, they shouldn’t express their feelings openly, they should desire sex with multiple women. While women are able to cry, scream, have experimental sexual encounters with other women and no one so much as bats an eye. I think it’s time that we change this narrative. Men are people too and while there will always be judgements on our behaviours, our expressions, our… lives, I believe it is important that we begin to recognize the need for more inclusive talks about identity. It very interesting that we believe a woman should be able to continue identifying as heterosexual after sexual encounters with other women, but the minute a man does ANY “abnormal” activity with another man, he is considered homosexual and can never come back from that. If a man wants to try something that isn’t typically associated with heterosexual men with his female partner, how could that act them make him homosexual?
Homosexuality by definition is a person who is sexually attracted to a person of one’s own sex. So, if he desires to do something sexual, no matter what that thing is, with someone of the opposite sex, well, by definition, he is absolutely not homosexual.
It’s time that we opened our minds and changed our perceptions on sexuality. In fact, this toxic way of thinking is what has caused such an issue, especially in the black community, where the “Down Low” phenomenon came to be. Homosexuality is so frowned upon in the black community that men would rather do almost anything in the world than to do something that could potentially lead someone to believe they are homosexual. Masculinity, as society views it, is so important that they will do anything to protect it. I believe that is why it’s so important that female partners are the safe haven for heterosexual men. Please do not misunderstand me in saying this. I am in no way saying that a man lying, cheating (sleeping with anyone other than the partner you’re committed to is cheating regardless of the other person’s sex), and just being deceptive overall is okay. I’m also well aware that there are men who just are homosexual and using women as covers so no matter how accommodating a woman is, he will continue to desire men. I’m not talking about those cases.
What I AM talking about though, is cases where a man really, truly is heterosexual, but interested in doing things outside of the norm for heterosexual men. So, for those in this particular situation or if you think you may be in this situation, you’ll want to tread lightly. This is a seriously sensitive topic. You want to be sure that your man feels comfortable enough to relax and allow you to handle him in such a way that he can actually enjoy anal play. This definitely isn’t something that will come easily since he’s been taught all his life is wrong for men who identify as heterosexual. You will want to ease into things, take it very slow. He will already most likely be embarrassed that he even has the desires he has and may be afraid you will no longer view him as a “real” man. Let’s also remember to be patient with ourselves in these situations because just as he was taught that there are just some things straight men don’t do, you were probably taught the same. It’s easy to let the things we grew up believing cloud our judgements. We have to unlearn some things and move forward accordingly.
In order to help you in this process, here are a few things to know and also a few reminders.
The anus gives access to the prostate, also known as the male G-Spot.
The prostate is actually packed with sensitive nerve endings. That means that men can experience a greater level of pleasure from anal play which in turn means they can experience very powerful orgasms. And I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to experience greater pleasure and more powerful orgasms.
It can be a way to experience something he otherwise never would.
This is a chance for the woman to take control of him. It gives him a chance to submit. In most cases, men have to be leaders, have to take control in decision making at home, at work, in life in general. Having a woman penetrate him instead of the other way around gives him a chance to just relax and also be in a position (literally and figuratively) that he probably never thought he would be in.
This could be a way of creating greater intimacy.
Believe it or not, men have feelings too and they desire to have deeper connections with the women in their lives. If he is able to truly, truly be himself in each and every area in his life, it will make him feel that much closer to his female counterpart. Women get to be vulnerable all the time, so much so that I believe we can take this privilege for granted. Men are expected to be tough at all times, I’m sure he at times, wants a chance to be vulnerable too.
Giving him a place, being the person he can be vulnerable with and express himself completely creates a bond that won’t easily be broken.
Men are made to feel “less than” whenever they so much as hint at wanting something that is seen as “feminine” and “soft”. Men aren’t “supposed” to be “soft” and anything that is considered “feminine” means he is anything but a “real” man.
Remember to be gentle with him as well as yourself.
It takes patience and kindness. You want the both of you to have a great experience. It will take time to get there.
Take your time and take things slow.
You can start with sensually kissing or touching him on or near his anus, if he’s up to it, you can maybe insert a finger or experiment with a small toy. Gradually move up to full on penetration if this is your first experience with this. Relax and try to create the most comfortable atmosphere possible.
Remember that unlike the vagina, the anus does NOT self lubricate so as a result, you will need lubricant.
You can research different lubes to find out what works best for you. While some lubes pair well with certain toys, others don’t. For example, if you are going to use a silicone based toy, you’ll want to use a water or oil based lube as silicone based lubes may break a silicone toy down in the long run. Also be sure to check the ingredients of lubricants so that you aren’t using one that contains something that may potentially harm you (i.e. ones containing ingredients you or your partner are allergic to)
If you are going to use a sex toy, you want to be sure that the sex toy you are using is made of body safe materials.
Some body safe materials include 100%silicone, titanium, aluminum, and borosilicate glass. You’ll want to avoid toys with words like PVC, TPE, TPR, elastomer, rubber, jelly, cyberskin, and silicone blends. Also, if in doubt about his comfort level, start small. You can always go bigger later.
If you are going to use a finger or fingers, you want to be sure that your hands are cleaned properly and your nails are cut down and have no sharp edges.
You want to be sure to talk to your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t as far as pressure you apply and also how far you should insert. Be sure to apply lubricant to your finger or fingers before insertion.
If you are trying to find the prostate or P-Spot, male G-Spot, you’ll need only insert your finger or fingers about two inches inside the rectum.
Once you find the P- Spot or prostate, if you massage or stimulate that area, you can perform what’s called a prostate milking. That means simply massaging or stimulating the prostate until a thin, milky fluid called prostate milking is produced.
If you aren’t quite sure about penetrating or stimulating a man’s prostate internally, the prostate can also be stimulated externally. In order to do this, you would stimulate it by stimulating the perineum. This is the skin that runs between the scrotum and the anus.
If you want to make the experience as pleasurable as possible, one thing to note is that he, of course, must be as relaxed.
Relaxation provides pleasure. Make sure that he is breathing deeply and isn’t tense. Set the mood if that helps. Play soft music, have a drink, give him a massage.
You should also be aware that one of the best ways to go about making sure that you are minimizing pain is to have him squat.
The puborectal sling/puborectalis muscle, the supportive muscle that creates an “S” curve in the rectum is actually strengthened when you squat. Having him squat for penetration will help in creating an environment conducive to receiving whatever it is that you want to insert.
All in all, the most important thing to remember here is that you guys are on the same team and just as you are faced day in and day out with harsh judgments and unrealistic expectations, the same is true for your man. He has to go out into the world every day and put on a brave face. He has to be tough when he doesn’t feel tough. He has to be sure to contain and control his emotions, other than the “acceptable” emotions like anger and pride. He (probably) doesn’t do anything that goes against what society says a heterosexual man “should” be. Be sure he doesn’t have to be that way when he comes home to you. Sex is arguably the most intimate activity you can engage in. The vulnerability expressed in this act is unmatched and you want to be sure that your man feels he can be his most vulnerable with you. Let’s make it our business to change our mindsets about what is and isn’t acceptable for a heterosexual man. Let’s be the safe space our men need and I guarantee our men, our relationships, our lives will be better because of it.
Written by Shakina Cooley
Shakina Cooley is a relationship and sexuality coach as well as a blogger. She has been sharing her insight on all things love and relationships for over nine years. She aspires to help couples all over the world maintain their love for one another and create their own ideas of happily ever after. She lives in Mississippi with her two very active little boys.