I realized I was kinky not long after I discovered sex. As I was just coming out of my teens learning the things I was into and wasn’t as an adult – I realized quickly that vanilla, penetrative sex with little foreplay and barely the mention of an oral trip down south (with me on the receiving end, although partners would always eagerly encourage me to give) just wasn’t doing anything for me.
When I was 19 in 2002, the movie The Secretary was released. And, well, fuck. Thus the floodgates were opened and would stay that way for the rest of my life. I learned from that movie that I wanted my sex to be dirtier; I wanted to be forced into sexual situations that, though appeared against my will, were where I happily wanted to be. I wanted to be (consensually) slapped around, spanked, and otherwise roughhoused. I wanted to be forced into submission.
Then gradually, through gentle easing and coaxing by friends, I was taken out to my first public play party and my introduction to kink and BDSM in Toronto commenced. Since then, I’ve met plenty of friends within the kink community and played with a number of them. I’ve explored impact play, consensual nonconsent, rope bondage, and for a moment I dabbled in being a professional switch. I’ve floated in and out of the scene for over 15 years. I’ve seen the Toronto community ebb and flow and can only reminisce on how easy it would be discovering and exploring kink now than it was back then. The Internet has made learning and connecting with people, meeting friends, and potential partners that much easier.
FetLife, a global online community operating much like Facebook but geared
towards kink and BDSM, is a venerable fountain of a resource. Whether you are wide-eyed and new to exploring kink or have been playing in the scene for many years, FetLife is there. A basic and honest profile will get your exploration off the ground. You don’t need to use a photo of your face if you aren’t comfortable, and an online alias will work just fine. (Also, regardless of the type of genitals you may
have, please refrain from using a photo of them as your profile picture.) Make sure you have your current city listed as this will help you find local events and people. From there, just let your mouse do the walking and soon you’ll be finding play parties, workshops, dungeons, and other kinksters throughout your city.
Among those local events, you may find events that are listed as “munches”. These are a great place to start. Munches are casual get together of local kinksters usually in a pub or other public venue. No actual play takes place at munches and people are dressed in everyday street clothes. The purpose of these events is just to get people together, people with a common denominator of being kinky, and who share an interest in kink and BDSM. This is a great ice breaker to discuss upcoming parties and find new friends to possibly attend them with.
Those workshops you’ll often see pop up on FetLife are incredibly resourceful and also a great chance to meet new people while learning how to utilize a new technique in a safe and consensual way. There are also a number of educators out there who have released books on various kink related topics, have YouTube channels, and their own blogs that are useful to keep track of. Morpheous is a Toronto based educator, author, photographer, and a columnist for Hustler. His books, including How to be Kinky and Bondage Basics, are quite handy if you’re curious about kink and in particular rope bondage. Dominatrix and educator Morgan Thorne is the author of Exploring BDSM and runs her own YouTube channel dedicated to BDSM education. Based out of San Francisco, Midori released her first book, The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, in 2001 and it quickly became a must-have title for many kinksters’ personal libraries. She is an internationally recognized sex educator and speaker who currently runs numerous workshops on topics such as women’s dominance, rope dojo, and flogging techniques throughout the States.
In discovering the kink community and my place within it, I’ve learned that those that live and play safely in kink are the first ones to emphasize consent in all interactions. They are the ones who regularly check in to make sure all involved are enjoying themselves, and are usually more than happy to discuss their roles in BDSM and sex. Open and honest communication is what helps keep this community thriving. Though I grew up believing that enjoying sex and kink was wrong on varying levels, I’ve grown and learned how right it is.
Written by Samantha Wu
Samantha is a writer and critic, editor and photographer, living and operating in Toronto, Canada. She specializes in the finer things in life – exploring the best in live theatre and music, lifestyle and sexuality, fine dining, and attractions. She sees the world with a discerning eye capturing emotions, observations, and crowd response with keen attention to detail. She engages and involves readers, bringing people into the moment to share the experience. Her works have been widely accepted by large readerships who rely on her opinions to keep them informed. Sam is always on the search for her next adventure